I think I know why the Eagles haven’t been playing very well this year. Climate change. What? Yeah, global warming is the reason their record is below .500. The 76ers, too. And the Phillies. But particularly the Eagles.
I mean, they lost to the Miami Dolphins. Obviously the Dolphins are used to playing in warmer weather.
“But Frank,” people say to me, “climate change has nothing to do with the Eagles inept performance of late.”
Ah, but it does. It’s also the reason why a guy lost his cool at the library where I was writing this because his flash drive wouldn’t work on the computer. It’s the reason why the car that was going too fast honked its horn at the driver who was only going the speed limit. And it’s the reason why the Rockets fired Kevin McHale.
Climate change is the reason why Chip Kelly traded away Shady McCoy, the reason the Vikings play indoors now and the reason why Kelly is doing his best Marion Campbell imitation. I think if it weren’t for climate change, Norm Van Brocklin would still be quarterbacking the Birds and they wouldn’t need a backup. Concrete Charlie Bednarik would still be sitting on Jim Taylor.
Think about it. We didn’t have these mediocre teams in the past. So it must have to do with climate change.
That’s why I didn’t watch the game two Sundays ago. It was too warm that day. I mean, I was playing golf. It’s November! I knew there was no way they would win.
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So, does global warming bode well for the rest of the Eagles season? I’m not sure. I didn’t say I had all the answers. All I know is I have probably seen more Eagles games than I will see going forward.
I miss the halcyon days of Eagles football. I was four years old when Bednarik played 58 out of 60 minutes in a game where the Eagles beat Green Bay to win the title. Yes, it was the only playoff game that Vince Lombardi lost as a head coach, but so what? It was the only championship the Eagles ever won. And guess what? It snowed that day! When was the last time it snowed during an Eagles game? Because of climate change, Eagles fans can’t even pelt Santa Claus with snowballs anymore. I’m sure Governor Ed Rendell is disappointed about that.
To further reminisce, there was the Vermeil era. I mean, let me hear you explain the Miracle in the Meadowlands, whose 37th anniversary was the other day (hard to believe, Eagles – and Giants – fans. I’m sure die-hards remember it like it was yesterday).
Then there was the fog bowl in Chicago, further proof of weather playing a part in the Eagles fate. The fog was as thick as pea soup, so it very well could have been called the Soup Bowl, which kind of sounds like the Super Bowl, if you say it out loud. We here in Philly love saying those two words back-to-back. Never won one, mind you, but I digress.
Global warming is why it probably won’t happen this year, either. It’s also why I almost forgot to put the trash out today.
It rained here in Philly last week. Maybe that would help the Eagles, I figured. After all, they were favored to win this next game by 5 ½ points. Then again, they were playing another team from Florida. Uh-oh. They ended up losing, and badly. You can blame it on… you-know-what.
